laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
