The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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