He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
home. puking in laundry basket.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
