I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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