He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
