mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
