if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
