Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
