I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
