Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
