Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
