Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
