Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You dont lie about slip and slides
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
