Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This baby is an asshole
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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