Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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