Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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