It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
