so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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