I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
