I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
