All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
