Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
