After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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