You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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