Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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