Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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