so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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