mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
