Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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