she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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