1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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