Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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