there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
