New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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