this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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