Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
