he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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