I wish you could order shots online.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
