worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
