if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
