I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
