So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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