Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
