The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
