Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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