How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
