When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
