but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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