I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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