Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
