1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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