Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
